Truth in the Dark

Truth in the Dark (copyright 2020, Kara E. Simmers)

I have chronic health issues that greatly impact my life. While I have received diagnoses for some of my issues, the cause of other problems remain unknown. Not knowing makes it difficult to anticipate the next health issue my body will experience. It also creates challenges for treating the problems and getting others to understand what I am enduring. This past year, I've pushed myself to seek answers, with limited success. In December 2019, I saw a neuro ophthalmologist for help with my eyes, which keep flaring with redness and tears whenever I am physically active. After he didn't provide much insight, I felt defeated. A few days later, I took a sunset walk in the woods in the bitter cold, appreciating the crunching sound of my feet on snowy trails as I let the freezing temperature numb me. On this walk, I took the photo below (beneath the poem). With each photo I took of the surrounding landscape, I rediscovered my center, my calm. I left the trail renewed, determined to find the explanation for what is debilitating my body. Five months passed with little progress, except for a rheumatologist accepting my doctor's referral. I'd wanted to see a rheumatologist for the last seven years, so this was a significant and positive step in my health journey. In May 2020, the rheumatologist ordered a series of blood tests for me. I was hopeful they would provide answers, but the blood work revealed nothing. The familiar clammy cold of disappointment overtook me as I read each "normal" test result on the online portal. I knew things weren't normal with my health, and my body was getting weaker. Fighting frustration and panic, I closed my eyes and visualized the woods where I'd walked months before. I started seeing words in my mind, and I wrote them into a poem for a writers' workshop in which I participate. After receiving feedback, I finalized the version in the image above.